Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Fear

In recent days, or hours I've been struck by the fear, the fear of running 26.4 miles alone. Okay so it's not alone, there will be thousands of other runners around me, but who will be with me to tell me that yes that is "the wall" that I just fumbled into and I can and I will get through it, no tears, that's a waste of sodium, you can cry later when we can fill you with Powerade and homemade mac and cheese. I want to know that there will be someone there to make sure I get back to my residence safely - I do not trust my brain after that - I know what happens when I get tired. I get stupid, melt down stupid - hey folks I wrote the MCAT one glorious August day many moons ago, I know what I am going to feel like when 26.4 miles is over. In addition to the brain ache and butt ache, my quads and feet are also going to ache. I want someone there to tell me I wasn't ape shite crazy for doing this, that I really accomplished something and that in a day or two when we shop at Macy's this will all be a glorious moment, the pain will have subsided into the ethereal bliss of it all.

Right now, at this very moment I'm scared. I am scared that as I said to a friend of mine, that this is a case of where I set the line too far as a way of judging where too far is, and sweet Jesus I sure hope too far is not mile 1,5,7, 13, or even 20, but rather 26, the .4 we can hobble through.

All that being said, the fun part - my running team has dissolved - due to a recession, illness and well likely the fear contaminating others too. So if you are brave, stupid or just plain fabulous come on and join me for San Francisco. There will be homemade mac n' cheese and lots of glorious baguettes and vegan cupcakes to be had.



  1. y'know, I always find it's over before I think it's going to be. Maybe that's not the same as 26.4 but when you think it's just twice that long haul we did in La Conner, it's not that bad.
    When it gets bad in my head, I imagine to myself that I always have a way out - I could call for a ride, take the bus, or just stop, sit, and find my own way home. Somehow, just knowing that I have a choice, keeps me from making that choice.
    But I'd be honored to keep you going with a little mennonite sausage joke in San Fran.

  2. will the mac and cheese involve real cheese? you say it in the same line as vegan cupcakes....

  3. Okay Jocelyn - I would love it if you could join me for one of the half's - and yes joking is always a good thing, always.

    CC - yes it will be REAL mac n' cheese - no fake stuff, I'm going to be run through almost 3000 calories - I will need/want the real stuff.

  4. So sorry I can't be you are not Ape Shit and it is only 26.2. So there you go... it wasn't as long as you thought;-)

  5. Yay it's not as long as I thought - it makes a big difference. I know that it is just one foot in front of the other, right now I feel like life is picking up speed and it's a little emotionally overwhelming